Anxiety is it’s own creature. Anxiety asks me to focus on the terrible things I’ve done. The people I’ve hurt. The promises I’ve broken. Anxiety tells me to make a list. Mistakes. Regrets. Lies. A litany of short comings, a coil tightened, ready to spring.
I’m Lying But I’m telling the Truth
Glad to be back on the series. My second guest preferred to remain anonymous but bravely shared their story on journeying with depression.
I started this series because there has been a lot of conversation going on about the fear of achieving certain things, oblivion, the new norm and extreme emotions of unexplainable sadness and the need to dissociate from things and people. So, I decided that the blog should be able to journey with some people going through this so that they know that they aren’t alone in this and that there is definitely a soft landing at the end of it all.
You can get the first piece on this link.
Before we get into the Q & A with my next guest, I’d like for you dear reader to know that whatever it is you are battling, it is very valid and you need to acknowledge this and talk to someone; either a professional or a friend who can help hold your hand through this. You don’t have to walk or feel alone.
So, here are some of the questions I asked the person. I hope you will be able to know how to deal with or how to help someone deal with their depression and anxiety.
How did you know you were depressed?
I knew I was depressed when I used to cry every time whenever I was on my own. There was always a huge wave of loneliness that hit me, reminding me that I was on my own. So, whenever that wave hit me I used to just break down and cry even when nothing big had triggered it or I’d make very quick decisions and regret making them 10 minutes later, simply to avoid the whole idea of being on my own.
I’d have moments when I’d feel so low for absolutely no reason. People around me would be so happy but I’d be very sad and I couldn’t seem to put a finger around it. I didn’t figure out why I was sad at that moment but I was …
Sometimes I’d find myself moving away from people and go hide somewhere and cry to let that moment of sadness go and then re- energize myself to fit in the social circles. So those very low moments that just hit me out of the blue made me realize I was depressed.
How did you come to the acceptance of it and seek help..
Well, like I said it was one of those days with those very low moments that I just accepted the possibility that what I was going through could actually be depression..
I was very tired and worn out of feeling that way because I couldn’t explain it to anyone. I always had that weird feeling that I failed to understand. I myself didn’t understand it. I tried talking to some friends but I couldn’t get them to the position of understanding what I felt because it was weird and it seemed that I was the only one who could understood it.
I thought to myself that even if I reached out to someone to feel better, it was always in vain. I always felt empty afterwards. I still felt like I was alone and no one understood the place I was in or what I was going through. It was hard to put it into words to explain for someone else to understand.
So I decided to talk to a counselor. I needed to reach out to someone who knew nothing about me and didn’t know me inorder to get an independent opinion of what I was dealing with, from an experienced and professional capacity. This also helped me open up.
That’s when I sought help and started therapy sessions.
How did you deal with the phase after your realization that you were depressed?
I went for therapy.. talked to friends but I went back still feeling the same.. the talking would feel nice but for a while.. after some time those low emotions would come back at an even greater tempo..
I’d then isolate myself.. go silent .. cry.. think of all the bad things that happened to me .. and ask questions of why.. it came with a lot of loneliness. Even when I had people around, I always felt like I was alone. Whenever the feeling came, I’d just make sure I isolate myself because I didn’t want people to think I was weird or that I didn’t want to interact with them. It was merely a surge and moment that came and I wouldn’t have control of myself or the desire to cry..so I did therapy..
The therapist would tell me things that somewhat helped but also didn’t at the same time because the moments of relapse kept coming back.
One dark morning, the feeling was so uncontrollable, and I badly needed to know how to get rid of it and how to be okay. I desperately clung to searching for YouTube videos of how to do away with depression.. I found this specific video of a lady telling her story and I related to it.
Her narrative mentioned that she called out to the Lord who saved her from her depressive episodes.
And so, my heart yearned to have that freedom again and to be that vulnerable with God to ask him. With faith that morning I asked God to take away the depression… I had asked him before over and over but this morning it was different. I related so much with that girl and asked that just as He had healed that girl, he could do it for me as well. I cried out to Him and suddenly I felt a weight fall off. The urge to cry wasn’t there anymore and I felt free. Those low low moments have never come back as much since that morning.
What has your journey been like?
It’s honestly been one of ups and downs . I can’t say am not struggling any more completely. Such moments come back once in a while but it’s rare these days. I can estimate about once a month or once every two months. I’m grateful for this because it used to be an everyday struggle and occurrence and I must say, I’m generally doing so much better.
What would you want those reading this to know?
Well, I’d like them to know that depression is real. When someone says they are depressed, they actually mean it and could actually be going through a lot so it’s always good to be kind.